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2003-06-20 - 11:39 a.m.

Is stress a good thing or bad? Stress can motivate I'll give you that. Stress has also caused me to lose 20 lbs in a few months. Yes, I stress over everything. It's how I was raised. I grew up in a house where if any little miniscule problem arises then you stress over it until it passes. If it is something that you can fix or not was totally irrelevant.

I'm sure you have heard the quote "fix it or forget it". Ya, sorry that does not work for me. I knew all my parents problems because they made sure I understood what was going on. Not a good thing for a child.

My honey? Oh, he is having a good ol' time. He thinks this is the best moment of our lives, living on the edge, exciting, dangerous!

No.

Insane, crazy, those are the words I'm using. Although he is so sweet he may just be trying to put up a good front so that I don't worry so much. He knows I worry. He knows I obsess. I wonder if he is putting the act on like the Jewish father in "Life is Beautiful" Making our situation into a game because my child-like mind can't handle the fact we my die at any moment. Ok, not really "die" but the thought of losing everything we have does cause me to pause and wonder if this whole venture is worth it. Funny thing is I don't really care about our "stuff". I care about our home because we built it and put our whole selves into creating it, it's our haven, our sanctuary. It shelters us and cradles our children with a safe place. Everything else is just "stuff".

Deep down I know it will be a huge success, but I feel like I have blinders on and I just can't see the big picture. I'm very lucky I have such an optimist at my back. He is my rock. I need to be stronger, I do. He is living his dream. I can't be the one to turn it into a nightmare, I can't. I don't want him resenting me and later saying I never supported him. That would kill me.

New leaf!!

I'm going to chant "everything will be fine, everything will be fine, everything will be fine" over and over again until I will believe nothing else. This business will work. It will be a roaring success. The love of my life will be the happiest man alive, and so will I because he is. That is what love is.

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