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2006-05-11 - 1:56 p.m.

There is nothing like being thrown into an emotional thrill ride.

Scott found another lot with a builder that he has been doing some printing with. It's close to the lot we chose, but it's wayyyyy bigger and almost double the price. The location is better. I just don't know what to do.

I was worried about the price of the other one, now I'm kinda freaking out about this new one. I just don't know what we should do.

I would love to have a huge back yard where I can plant a ton of fruit trees and we could get nice play stuff for the kids, not to mention all Scott's toys would fit.

It seems like a no brainer. Really it does. I'm just not sure. I want things to work out and felt so sure of the first one except we would only have 30 feet of back yard. Kinda small.

It almost makes me want to just stay here. I do love the area that we are looking. Much less crowded than here. Where we are now they are just building all around us, houses, stores, huge theaters. The traffic is getting unbearable already. I know we need to move. I just know it. But which one?

I guess I just need to have faith that wherever we wind up is the right place and everything works out in the end.

Maybe I should let Scott decide and then I can blame him...heh,heh,heh.

My Parents are still making me suffer for living my life. Eh, I'm starting to not feel as guilty. Am I becoming more selfish, or just being desensitized to all their guilt trips?

Parents should not be able to put guilt trips on their grown children, it's just not right. Just wait until they are all old and feeble and can't take care of themselves...THEN justice shall be served. MUWHAHAHA!(Evil plotting laugh)

I'll take care of them, don't freak out. I will just be able to speak my mind without fear. Ya, I still fear my Father. It's sad really. I'm 36 and still afraid of my Dad. I hope my children are never afraid of me. I hope they will always be able to speak their mind without fear that I'll kick them out or disown them.

Is that what I fear of my parents?

I fear that my Dad will become so angry with me that he won't ever want to see me again, or maybe take it out on my kids. He raised me to obey without question, to take his side in all things, to be quiet and never ever argue with him.
I remember him saying he wanted me to make right choices but when I made the wrong one then all Hell broke loose.

He taught me fear, especially to be afraid of him. So much so that even now I can't tell him how I feel and when I see him I only say things I think he wants to hear.

I don't EVER want that for my precious children.

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