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2003-08-04 - 1:32 p.m.

I'm afraid, nay terrified.

What on earth could scare me this badly you ask?

Well, I....shhhh...come a little closer so I can whisper it to you.

I am afraid of looking back on my life and seeing that I have done nothing significant or even worthwhile. I can't just exist day to day and learn nothing, be nothing.

I don't want to fit inside someone's idea of who and what I should be. I don't want to cut off all my unique appendages so I'll fit into the several different boxes that people are always trying to stuff you into. I don't fit, I don't want to fit...hell I don't want to be in a freakin box at all!

I want to accomplish something different and special to me. I want to speak different languages, I want to paint scenes that inspire not duplicate, I want to grow, to flourish, to be something more than what is ordinary.

I started thinking about this while I was listening to Evanescence. "Bring me to Life"

how can you see into my eyes, like open doors

leading you down into my core

where I've become so numb

without a soul

my spirit sleeping somewhere cold

until you find it there and lead it back home

[Chorus]

(wake me up) wake me up inside (i can't wake up) wake me up inside

(save me) call my name and save me from the dark

(wake me up) bid my blood to run (i can't wake up) before I come undone

(save me) save me from the nothing I've become

now that I know what I'm without, you can't just leave me

breathe into me and make me real

bring me to life

[Chorus]

bring me to life

I've been living a lie

there's nothing inside

bring me to life

frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling

only you are the life among the dead

all this time I can't believe I couldn't see

kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems

got to open my eyes to everything

without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

don't let me die here

there must be something more

bring me to life

[Chorus]

I've been living a lie

there's nothing inside

bring me to life

The part that says " save me from the nothing I've become" pretty much spoke right to me. I started looking back on what I've done so far and besides my children I can't see anything that is great enough to write home about.

So you see why I fear, at least I can do something about it. I'm not going to rely on someone else to wake me up and save me.

I'm going to save myself.

I am going to be more than a "nothing".

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